Dear Mr. Kim:

Thanks for releasing Laura Ling and Euna Lee.  It appears they did in fact commit a crime and cross into your country illegally, but I understand your pardon in exchange for a visit from fellow international playboy Bill Clinton.  I’m sure you two had lots to discuss on the topics of sleeping with staff members, lying to your people and drinking excessively.  You’re two peas in a pod!

Mr. Kim, I’ve visited your Stalinist dystopia utopia once already, and I’m thinking about visiting again.  I guess I just can’t get enough of Karaoke Tuesdays in Pyongyang.  I’m writing to ask if you could kidnap me as well?  Maybe hold me in a villa for a few months, let me receive mail and make phone calls, then release me to whichever international supermodel they send to pick me up in a Gulfstream V.

You see, in our capitalist system Laura and Euna are going to be paid a shitload of money to tell the story of their experience in your country.  And frankly I’ve done far more interesting things than either of them and I think it’s bullshit that these idiots broke the law and are going to get a huge payday out of it.

So yeah- an extended vacation in Pyongyang is exactly what I need.  I’ll be there soon; just have your guards grab me at the airport and take me to my bungalow cell.  After I’m rescued and get my seven-figure book deal I’ll send you a bottle of your favorite XO Hennessy to say thanks.

Warm regards,

The malcontentist.