Our genius Commander-in-Chief has, in all his infinite wisdom, decided to support the extension of several provisions of the USA PATRIOT ACT, including illegal wiretapping and the infamous “national security letters” that compel businesses to hand over records to the feds, and then impose a blanket gag order on the very mention of said letters.

The PATRIOT ACT has been a giant shit stain on the Constitution from day one.  It has always been unconstitutional, bad law at best, and insidious police state machinery at worst.  It was enacted by manipulative politicians who capitalized on the politics of fear in the immediate aftermath of 9/11, in order to extend federal power into whole new areas of our lives.

What I find most striking is how the Great Leader’s repeated campaign promises to break with old school politics and bring “change” to Washington were dropped and forgotten as soon as he finished reciting the oath of office.  The Bush administration did plenty of damage to our nation’s civil liberties and international image, and much change is needed.  Instead of implementing that change and moving forward in a positive direction, President Obama has slipped comfortably into the culture of slimy deal-making and political fear-mongering that dominate the post-9/11 debate on national security.  This is not only a wasted opportunity, but an epic failure of a politician who once embodied the promise of a new direction.

It’s August.  And I’m European (have the passport to prove it).  That means lazy days of sipping wine on a yacht off the French Riviera or at a luxury villa in Sardinia.

Or not.

But I am taking a short break from “the blogging”.  There are potentially huge changes in my career and personal life right now that I need to deal with, so the witty assaults on stupidity will have to wait until I get my shit together.

Try not to miss me too much.

Thanks for releasing Laura Ling and Euna Lee.  It appears they did in fact commit a crime and cross into your country illegally, but I understand your pardon in exchange for a visit from fellow international playboy Bill Clinton.  I’m sure you two had lots to discuss on the topics of sleeping with staff members, lying to your people and drinking excessively.  You’re two peas in a pod!

Mr. Kim, I’ve visited your Stalinist dystopia utopia once already, and I’m thinking about visiting again.  I guess I just can’t get enough of Karaoke Tuesdays in Pyongyang.  I’m writing to ask if you could kidnap me as well?  Maybe hold me in a villa for a few months, let me receive mail and make phone calls, then release me to whichever international supermodel they send to pick me up in a Gulfstream V.

You see, in our capitalist system Laura and Euna are going to be paid a shitload of money to tell the story of their experience in your country.  And frankly I’ve done far more interesting things than either of them and I think it’s bullshit that these idiots broke the law and are going to get a huge payday out of it.

So yeah- an extended vacation in Pyongyang is exactly what I need.  I’ll be there soon; just have your guards grab me at the airport and take me to my bungalow cell.  After I’m rescued and get my seven-figure book deal I’ll send you a bottle of your favorite XO Hennessy to say thanks.

Warm regards,

The malcontentist.

And then it became its own self-parody.

And now, with the exception of the Jeremy Piven-based storylines, it sucks.  Sheer vanity (and showrunner Doug Ellin’s ego) has turned this show into a steaming turd of banality, putting viewers to sleep coast-to-coast with riveting stories about the guys hooking up with hot chicks and buying expensive cars.  And let’s not forget the faux foil each season when Vince almost doesn’t get the role of his dreams.  Right before he does get the part and makes millions of dollars.  And bangs more hot chicks.

This exercise in vanity is one thing, but a few weeks ago the asshats went too far when they tried to clown Seth Rogen.  A bit of dialogue from the show: “His ugliness is oddly fascinating. Especially in Blu-ray. It just pisses me off.” The Turtle character continues to pontificate throughout the episode that Seth Rogen could never hook up (you know, in real life) with a Katherine Heigl-type.  The insults aren’t even funny; it sounds like a bitter rant about how Doug Ellin can’t get himself laid while Seth continues to enjoy tremendous success.

The fun of Entourage used to be that actors would cameo on the show and make fun of themselves (think Seth Green and Gary Busey).  But the unprovoked broadside against Seth Rogen was just lame and pointless.  Douche Ellin take note- here’s how to be funny and charming:

I still watch Entourage, but in the same way I watch Heroes: solely out of habit and while I’m ironing my underwear.

Frankly, I think the posters are a brilliant and accurate satire of a man who preaches fiscal responsibility while his hand is groping for our wallets.  This dickhead got elected by swearing up and down that he would cut taxes for the middle class and - wait for it - just pulled a complete 180 on that like a typical politician.

That’s not change, that’s more of the same.

Of course he attempted to play it down today, but he’s delusional if he thinks he can pay for Obamacare without raising effective tax rates on the middle class to 50% or more.

Because now - with record deficits and existing entitlements gobbling up a growing percentage of the federal budget - now is clearly the time to commit the nation to another $1 trillion project.

Excuse me Mr. China?  Would you like to buy some more Treasury bonds, please?

Let me explain.  In the beginning you could accumulate enough miles for a trip, call the day before you wanted to leave, find a flight with a mileage seat and be on your way the next evening.  This flexibility was very valuable, because airfares generally rise to rip-off levels in the days leading up to a flight.  If you just had to be somewhere last minute, using 25,000 miles was a far better option than paying $1,500 to fly from LA to Chicago.

Eventually airlines realized this was costing them money so they started charging a fee for expedited service.  This was back in the days of paper tickets, roughly around the same time as the Commodore 64 and Super Nintendo.  And at the time, airlines were right to charge a fee: someone had to print out the tickets and FedEx them to you.  So an airline charging a $50 last minute fee was merely recouping its costs.  Fair enough.

But then came the era of the e-ticket (and the Game Cube).  And the costs incurred from issuing last minute tickets vanished: no more paper = no more FedEx.  And when travelers booked mileage awards online no airline staff had to get involved in the process.  Airlines were saving tremendous amounts of money.

So what did the airlines do?  Eliminate the fee in a gesture of goodwill to customers?  No, by this time fee revenue had become their crack cocaine and airlines were full-on junkies.  Fees went up, not away; they become staggered: no charge for booking more than 21 days out, up to $100 for booking with less than three weeks notice.

It took a recession and precipitous drop in demand to get here, but I’m happy to report that members of United’s Mileage Plus program can now live fee-free for last minute travel.  United has eliminated this bullshit fee so we can now use our miles at any time without having to pay for our “free” ticket.

This is great news for consumers and a step in the right direction for United.  However let’s not forget that United’s mileage program has a dark side more sinister than Lord Voldemort: they routinely block you from using your miles to book seats on their Star Alliance partners.

So while this fee elimination is a step in the right direction, United has some way to go before they’ll get my business again.

Seriously, this girl annoys me in just about every conceivable way.  She is a naive little waif, exceptionally immature, and really isn’t even that hot.

So basically I hate her.  But oddly I also want to fuck her.  She is the perfect candidate for a hate fuck!

Hayden, in the words of the immortal Hank Moody, “I’m declaring jihad on your pussy!”

So who does Michael Westen call when he needs help?  My recommendation: a good DUI lawyer.  Let’s hope Burn Notice isn’t afflicted by the DUI death curse that rages on the set of LOST.

Courtesy of our friends over at What Would Tyler Durden Do:

Burn Notice star Jeffrey Donovan was arrested for a DUI on July 11 after he crashed into a Miami Beach Police Cruiser on July 11 around 11:50 pm. He refused a breath test.  “I really think I’m only borderline and not too drunk – the only mistake I made tonight was to drink Benadryl with three glasses of wine,” Donovan said on the way to the police station.  Donovan told the arresting officer, “Sorry I didn’t see the red light or your car.”

I’m disappointed Michael.  I’d expect this from Sam, but you should know better.

Like many of you, I get paid every other Friday.  In a year and a half at this job there has never been a problem with payroll.  I recently mailed a rent check on a Thursday knowing that the cash deposited the next day for payroll would be more than enough to cover it, along with the balance already in my account.

But - of course - there was a problem with that payroll and I didn’t receive it until the following Tuesday.

Naturally I didn’t find this out until the end of the weekend, so I’d been spending money on my debit card all weekend thinking I had plenty of cash in my account.  And for those small purchases I had ample money; it was the rent check that would tip me over.  The rent check and all the weekend transactions posted on Monday, the day before my late payroll deposited.  Here’s what it looked like:

Balance = $1,280.48

Debits: $6.50 to Subway, $37.50 to Whiskey Bar, $5.58 to Subway, $34.47 to Exxon Mobil, $219.20 to American Express, $8.10 to Baja Fresh, et al.

And of course the rent check for $1,395.

Now the fair and ethical thing to do would be to pay all the smaller charges and then incur one overdraft for the $1,395.  Instead these asshats start with the $1,395, turning everything else that day (for which there was otherwise ample cash) into an overdraft.  End result: eight overdrafts at $33 each.

This is shady business conduct; banks do this on purpose to maximize their fee revenue.  It doesn’t matter than I’ve been a customer for more than a decade and almost never overdraw my account.  These greedy bastards were only able to survive their bad decisions thanks to the largesse of the American taxpayer.  And when it came to bad decisions during the boom (read: subprime loans) WaMu was one of the worst offenders.  You’re welcome for TARP.