It wasn’t always this way.  In its first season Entourage was a sharp and funny show, poking insider fun at the world of Hollywood and bringing us hilarious (and often self-parodying) cameos.

And then it became its own self-parody.

And now, with the exception of the Jeremy Piven-based storylines, it sucks.  Sheer vanity (and showrunner Doug Ellin’s ego) has turned this show into a steaming turd of banality, putting viewers to sleep coast-to-coast with riveting stories about the guys hooking up with hot chicks and buying expensive cars.  And let’s not forget the faux foil each season when Vince almost doesn’t get the role of his dreams.  Right before he does get the part and makes millions of dollars.  And bangs more hot chicks.

This exercise in vanity is one thing, but a few weeks ago the asshats went too far when they tried to clown Seth Rogen.  A bit of dialogue from the show: “His ugliness is oddly fascinating. Especially in Blu-ray. It just pisses me off.” The Turtle character continues to pontificate throughout the episode that Seth Rogen could never hook up (you know, in real life) with a Katherine Heigl-type.  The insults aren’t even funny; it sounds like a bitter rant about how Doug Ellin can’t get himself laid while Seth continues to enjoy tremendous success.

The fun of Entourage used to be that actors would cameo on the show and make fun of themselves (think Seth Green and Gary Busey).  But the unprovoked broadside against Seth Rogen was just lame and pointless.  Douche Ellin take note- here’s how to be funny and charming:

I still watch Entourage, but in the same way I watch Heroes: solely out of habit and while I’m ironing my underwear.

Hayden Panettiere is a bitch.  A spoiled, narcissistic little princess who throws tantrums when she doesn’t get her way.  Don’t believe me?  Just ask her Heroes co-star and ex-boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia, who she tried to get fired.

Seriously, this girl annoys me in just about every conceivable way.  She is a naive little waif, exceptionally immature, and really isn’t even that hot.

So basically I hate her.  But oddly I also want to fuck her.  She is the perfect candidate for a hate fuck!

Hayden, in the words of the immortal Hank Moody, “I’m declaring jihad on your pussy!”

(Burn Notice voiceover): “If you’re trying to evade police, the last thing you want to do is draw attention to yourself.  Driving recklessly and crashing into things will only attract the cops’ attention.”

So who does Michael Westen call when he needs help?  My recommendation: a good DUI lawyer.  Let’s hope Burn Notice isn’t afflicted by the DUI death curse that rages on the set of LOST.

Courtesy of our friends over at What Would Tyler Durden Do:

Burn Notice star Jeffrey Donovan was arrested for a DUI on July 11 after he crashed into a Miami Beach Police Cruiser on July 11 around 11:50 pm. He refused a breath test.  “I really think I’m only borderline and not too drunk – the only mistake I made tonight was to drink Benadryl with three glasses of wine,” Donovan said on the way to the police station.  Donovan told the arresting officer, “Sorry I didn’t see the red light or your car.”

I’m disappointed Michael.  I’d expect this from Sam, but you should know better.

So yes, after years of mocking people who come to LA to “make it big” or “get a break” I have apparently become that which I mock so mercilessly.

Yes, dear friends and strangers, while I don’t usually talk about too many “personal” things on this blog, and after years of putting it off, I am writing my ultimate travel tome.  I’ve had some fucked up and weirdly hilarious shit happen to me in 59 countries and 31 years, and it’s time to share some of that insanity with the world.  Hopefully for a large profit.  One that will finance a lifestyle of basically living in Westin and W Hotels and being worshipped by adoring fans.

Sorry, got a little carried away there.  Must be the half bottle of vodka I’ve ingested this evening.

At any rate, if you aren’t already watching Californication you really should be.  And not just because I say so (even though I do know best).  Because David Duchovny is Hank Moody.  And Hank Moody is my idol.

* His response to any challenge is to threaten a “dick punch”.

* He’s 40-something, yet routinely fucks women half his age.

* Ultimately, he’s on the same journey we all are: to find meaning in this Hobbesian life that is “nasty, brutish and short”.

What’s not to like?

So yes, I’m still in Amsterdam as I write this, but as you all know, LOST rules my life and I’m re-watching last week’s The Variable whilst I pack.  There are a few ideas I want to get on record, especially vis-a-vie the debate raging in the online LOST communities.  In short, one side is sticking to Faraday’s original “whatever happened, happened” philosophy, and the other is arguing that one of the variables (i.e. characters) will change things in a way that will essentially reboot the timeline and history of events on LOST island so that events will unfold differently from 1977 to 2007.  That means the purge, the incident, the Oceanic 815 crash, etc. will either not happen or happen differently.  Clearly Faraday himself has come to believe that he can change the course of history, as it’s pretty clear he’s trying to do just that by giving instructions to young Charlotte and attempting to influence Dr. Chang by warning him about the impending accident incident.

Here’s my take:  Faraday is sadly mistaken about the “variable” and was right in the first place: whatever happened, happened.  It’s becoming increasingly clear that the 70’s-era LOST characters are moving toward the inevitable and inescapable.  Here are some thoughts and predictions as we embark on the final three hours of storytelling for this season:

* Faraday fell right into history’s trap.  Just after Charlotte died, Faraday swore he would not tell young Charlotte to never return to the island (on her deathbed she recounted the memory of him saying just that to her as a child).  In The Variable, Faraday appeared to tell Charlotte exactly what she remembered him saying to her younger self.  Don’t you see the futility in fighting fate, Dan?

* Eloise Hawking is trying to prevent a time-space paradox and/or the collapse of the space-time continuum; the cost of this is her son’s life.  Beyond tragic, Eloise gave birth to and raised Daniel always knowing that she had killed him.  Since this event was in her past she had no way to alter it.  And if she attempted to steer her son away from his island destiny, she would jeopardize existence itself by creating a paradox.  I think there’s an insight here as to how the Others always seemed so damn omniscient in the first few seasons.  Clearly Alpert, Hawking and Widmore had knowledge of time travelers from the future of the island who would play a role in its past.  Apply a little deduction and research and I’m sure they were able to figure quite a bit out before Oceanic 815 ever crashed on the island.  Ben Linus appeared to be shocked by the Lostaways’ presence in 1977, but hey, Ben Linus is made of deceit.

* Jack is going to cause the incident.  From the preview for next week’s Follow the Leader:  “If we do what’s written in that journal, our plane never crashes.  Flight 815 lands in Los Angeles.  All the misery that we’ve been through… none of this will have happened.”

Jack you stupid fuck.  Don’t you see that you are marching toward destiny?  YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN PART OF THE DHARMA INITIATIVE IN 1977!  You were there when the incident took place, but you’re just now experiencing it because it’s your present.  Of course on-a-mission Jack is going to do whatever batshit crazy thing Faraday wrote in his journal so he can attempt to change his past/island future.  (And why do I have the sneaking suspicion that Faraday’s plan somehow involves Jughead, that nuclear bomb from the 50s we saw earlier this season?)  Whatever happened, happened Jack.  Your attempt to change things will fail, and in the course of trying you will walk smack into history and do what has always happened- something hugely dangerous that ends up causing the incident.  We already know how that story ends, with a button being pushed every 108 minutes and Oceanic 815 crashing the one time Des doesn’t push it in time.  “We are the causes of our own suffering.”  (Room 23 for you fellow LOST PhDs).

Should be an interesting final three hours.  The finale’s secret scene codename this year was chosen by a fan instead of by showrunners Damon and Carlton, but I’m starting to get the idea that it’s a pretty good one: the fork in the outlet.

It’s no secret that your blogger is a big fan of great tv, and LOST is as great as they come.  I contend that the saga of LOST is, simply put, the greatest story ever told on television.  There has never been a show more alive with mystery, adventure, literary and mythological allusions, and just plain great storytelling and acting.  End. of. story.

Now that we’re approaching end of Season 5 - with only one 17 hour season to go after that - it’s time we start looking at the LOST endgame.  In other words, the mystery and intrigue have made for some excellent tv these last five years, but I want some g-damn answers and closure.  I’ll update these as more questions (and hopefully answers) roll in.  In no particular order:

Why does Aaron have to be raised by Claire?

What is Aaron’s significance in the grand scheme of things?

What lies in the shadow of the statue?  ANSWERED:  Jacob

What are the whispers?

What happened to the crash survivors that were taken by the Others (Cindy and the children)?  Why were they taken?

Why do pregnant women die on the Island?

Who or what is Jacob?  ANSWERED:  one of two beings that live on and control the Island

Who or what is Richard Alpert?  ANSWERED:  a long time “advisor” (Panchen Lama) to Jacob

Who or what is the resurrected Christian Shepherd?

Who or what is the resurrected John Locke?  ANSWERED:  The Man in Black

What happened in the Incident?

What happened to the off-island DHARMA Initiative after the purge?

Who continued the supply pallet drops to the Swan station after the purge?

What is the history of the Island and its inhabitants?

What exactly happened when Desmond turned the failsafe key in the Swan?

What happened to Claire?  Why is she hanging out in Jacob’s cabin with her resurrected father?

What is the Temple and what is its function?  And why was it marked on Ben’s map with a DHARMA symbol if it’s for the Others?

How can some Others (Ben, Widmore, Tom, Richard) travel off the island without using the sub or the donkey wheel?

What is the nature of the conflict between Benjamin Linus and Charles Widmore?

What is the smoke monster?

WTF happened to Rose, Bernard and the other time-jumping survivors after they didn’t meet up with Sawyer, Juliet, et al. after the last jump?  ANSWERED:  Rose and Bernard went off and built themselves a cabin, everyone else died

What happened to young Ben in the Temple?

What’s the deal with the Quarantine and injections at the Swan?

Which team is Eloise Hawking playing for?

Why did the Others ever allow the DHARMA Initiative to establish a presence on the Island in the first place?

Why did Radzinsky edit the footage of the Swan’s orientation video?  Did he end up in the Swan because he knew it was the last safe place on the Island for DHARMA personnel post-purge?

Why did the Others never attempt to take over the Swan station when they clearly knew about it via the Pearl station?

Why didn’t Sun go back in time to 1977 along with Jack, Kate, Hurley and Sayid?

This blog has been so heavy on economic and finance matters lately that it was time for a changeup.  I originally planned to do far more reviews and discussion of tv shows (especially LOST) but there are plenty of great bloggers out there doing just that, so I’m mostly sticking to my righteous anger at corporate America and the gubmint.

Anyway, there is a new show that is getting shit ratings but is one of the best new dramas on television.  And you know what happens to shows like that (see: Jericho).

The show is called Kings.

It’s an alternate reality tale - a huge what if - set in a New York City-like place called Shiloh.  Shiloh is the capital of a modern, capitalist kingdom perpetually at war with the neighbors and embroiled in palace intrigue.

The cast is first rate, especially Ian McShane as the slightly unbalanced King Silas (how can you be an absolute monarch and not be a narcissistic prick?)  In one of my favorite scenes from the pilot, a messenger comes to tell the king his soldier son has been captured from the front lines by the enemy, and the king stands up and punches him in the face.  Because he’s, you know, the king.

The hero of the story is David Shepherd, played subtly but capably by Chris Egan.  He saves the king’s son from behind enemy lines, instantly becoming a media and palace darling.  Being a loose retelling of the David and Goliath story, there will be ample helpings of drama, love, lust, religion, betrayal, sacrifice and heroism in the episodes (and hopefully seasons) to come.

Kings is a fresh, sharply-written and superbly-acted addition to a tv-scape filled mostly with lunatic Kardashians and wannabe idols.  Give it a try next Sunday.  Especially if you have a ratings box.

And because the princess is way hot.

Long story short, Google wants to minimize the importance of the desktop PC by giving you massive amounts of storage on their servers.  Think of it as Gmail on roids, or - more accurately - as a virtual hard drive for all of your personal data.  Welcome to The Cloud, people.

Tentatively called the Gdrive, Google’s soon-to-be-launched service will allow users access to their data from anywhere with an internet connection.  Convenience has never been so cheap or ubiquitous.  But it’s not as generous of The Google as it first sounds.  Much like with Gmail, I suspect they’ll be scanning your data so as to provide you with relevant advertising.  The thought of Google’s automated systems scanning my personal files is not appealing, but it’s not nearly as horrifying as Google sharing that data with the government and not telling me.  In the age of national security letters, this is a distinct possibility.  There’s no safer place for my data than on my own encrypted hard drive or memory stick.

Another issue with The Cloud is that internet connectivity is required in order to get to your stuff.  This is the same reason I hate VOIP phones.  If you’re like me, you’re routinely cursing Comcast or Time Warner over interrupted service.  How do we ensure access to our most important files and documents when they reside outside of our direct control?

My last objection to The Cloud is that it’s largely irrelevant.  Prices for hard drives and solid state memory continue to decline as their capacity continues to increase.  If I can carry 64GB on an iPod and another 8 in a flash drive, is there really a need to put all my data on the web where it would be more vulnerable to hackers as well as potentially less accessible?

The Goog is an innovative, creative and entrepreneurial company.  By the nature of their mission to organize the world’s information, however, I think there’s bound to be some unintended over-reach.  Watch them - and anyone you choose to share your data with - carefully.

Do you know anyone who thinks they’re too good to watch tv? You know the type; they think it’s all trash and not worthy of their precious time.

They’re idiots. January is going to see some outstanding television. Here’s your guide to what’s worth your time:

LOST. This show is impossible to describe in less than a research volume. Suffice it to say it is the best-written and acted drama on television. Last season saw 6 survivors make it off the island. But what happened to their friends? Season 5 will show us the consequences of the six leaving, and their desperate attempt to return to the island they tried so hard to escape in order to save their friends. Rich in mythology and literary allusions, LOST gets my vote for best television series of all time. Returns January 21.

Burn Notice. Probably the best non-network cable show out there, on January 22 season 2.5 will continue to follow the adventures of burned superspy Michael Westen as he digs up clues to find out who sold him out, and why. The mid-season finale was, well, explosive, and I’m hearing the action only gets more intense as Michael turns up the heat on renegade agent Carla.

Battlestar Galactica. Yeah, so it’s sort-of sci-fi. But not really. This hit political/military drama comes to a conclusion in just eleven episodes. When we left them the survivors had found Earth; not ours but a nuclear-scorched version (much like their own homes). Tune in on January 16 to find out the identity of the final cylon and what the hell the survivors are going to do now that their last hope has been crushed. BSG’s writing is some of the grittiest, most subtly allegorical and reality-based I’ve ever seen on tv.

I have no authority and my blog is ranked 4,728,163.

Screw you, Web 2.0.